moving is bittersweet
there are so many feelings, but today is different because today is the day that i lost my brother 12 years ago. today is the day i realized that when we move i will be leaving the last place i talked to chris before he took his life.
we had been talking a lot more in early 2006. we were planning for him to bring his fiance & her son down for a vacation in san diego in july. i was looking forward to it so much. to host my big brother & his future family. we had just installed the travertine floors in our home & i was researching who to hire to install the baseboards... the baseboards have not been installed for 12 years. i realized today that i must have been subconsciously avoiding finishing that project.
i have avoided thinking about that trip. i have avoided thinking about him.
it hurts to look around my house knowing that this is the house he would have walked in, slept in, laughed & talked in, but he never did. i think in some way moving will help me heal... not seeing the reminder everyday of the floors that were finished just 3 days before getting the call from mom. the baseboards that were never installed.
somehow though i have linked loosing my brother to loosing this house & i completely lost it today. over & over & over. i haven't cried like today since the week before his funeral in june 2006. the constant grieving, making myself eat, crying myself to sleep twice in the middle of the day.
grief is the craziest thing. it's not predictable. it's most often a surprise. i can see a movie that i know chris would have loved to have seen & start the downward spiral from 0 to 60.
today i'm completely drained by it. this thief of joy.
i remembered today that i still haven't been able to find a theme park souvenir picture from when i graduated high school. chris took me to six flags & it was the first time he treated me like an adult. the start of something new. we got a picture together in one of those little keychain photo viewer things that the sunlight illuminates making the picture glow. they came in a set of two. he took one & i took the other. when he died i dug frantically for it everywhere. when the family went through his things for anything anyone wanted to keep it was the only thing i looked for. i crave finding it.
it's missing. he's missing.
I so so SO wished I was able to hide more from you, to save you and others from the pain. For that, I sincerely apologize. Maybe someday I'll take you there. It might be good for the both of us. .
ReplyDeleteAs for your little trickett thing. For some reason it looks familiar. I have a few boxes of his stuff up in storage. Will ask mom too.
Love you Sis!! - BBB